October 13, 2014. What about today?
For one, today marks my 11th month in the company I’m in. There are little complaints on my part, but that’s normal. I’m not leaving any soon, so I guess that’s good. I love the people I’m with.
I woke up trying to make peace with myself. It worked for awhile, until everything around me started suffocating me. It’s hard to breathe around the things that makes you want to 1) cry 2) scream 3) smash or flip the first thing you see (which I really want to try soon since I haven’t done this and I bet this feels so liberating) 4) drive the car and leave without saying anything (but I still can’t drive so that’s a wish for now) 5) say the things you’ve been keeping yourself from saying.
It must be me. Of course it’s me, and my need for space and time alone, but lately it’s being violated way overboard. It probably isn’t that bad, but it is exhausting. Emotionally, the most.
I have my comfort every now and then. I have my own “Break glass in case of Emergency”, minus the glass I can break (that would’ve been a lot of glass breaking, I tell you). Just this morning I tried avoiding people, but my favorite boys (my brother and my friend) just know how to get to me without making so much effort. I can’t stay like this around them. At least not for long. The smile is about enough to get me through some minutes. Or hour. And of course, there’s chocolates. Chocolate will never know how much it means to me.
Why do people bother to talk about things that have already gone wrong? It’s done. It’s there. Unless you can still do something about it, but if not, why do we need to go through it over and over again? It just doesn’t make sense and it stresses the hell out of people and sucks up all the energy you have, but at the end of the day, there’s nothing to be done about it.
Most of the time I don’t feel like myself anymore, and it’s scary and upsetting. I feel like the limit of my patience just scaled down. Way down, that I just want to cry when I get pissed off immediately. Not really that fast, but it’s out of the usual. Is it me, or things just get really complicated and levels up in testing your patience?
This is one of those days where you’re pretty damn sure it’s not because of PMS. But you just wish it was cos it could have been an easier cause to reason out, and solve. But this, I don’t even know when and how it can and will stop.
God knows I’m trying not to let this get the best of me. I actually think I’m being too pretentious at times, trying to look all fine. Or I think I should credit myself for at least trying. There’s always the ‘trying’, so I guess I’m still bordering to okay and fine.
But yea well, damn it.